Lonely & Bored In Sweden Seeks Excitement

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Lonely & Bored In Sweden Seeks Excitement by Misty

Because Rob is suffering from mental constipation (a.k.a. writer’s block) I decided to take over and give you a rare insight into the life of a disgruntled foreigner stuck in the desolate Swedish North.

Enjoy!!!

I was going to review my favorite Swedish alcoholic beverages for this article, and with that in mind, I made the trip to the ubiquitous Systembolaget. And because my alcohol intake is limited to the Swedish equivalent of soft drinks, a.k.a. cider, I decided on 6 different varieties of the above-mentioned beverage, in flavors as exotic as raspberry with lime and peach with a hint of vanilla. Which makes me think that cider flavoring is the only area where the Swedes go wild, are not afraid of trying new things, even if those new things involved cactus flavor with a touch of grape.

Pleased with my selection, I made my way towards the cash registers, where a bored, half-dead looking young man took my purchases, along with my credit card and ID. He glanced at the ID, he looked up at me, suddenly, looking decidedly less dead, he announced:
“Oh, hey! I read about you in the paper. You really trashed this place.”
Now, he was looking positively alive.
“But don’t tell anyone. I agree with what you said. It’s just that I’m Swedish, and you know…”

The customer behind me was now listening to the conversation. Yes, you are Swedish, and you are not supposed to criticize this wonderful country out loud. I however, am a foreigner, and as such, granted certain leniency in my views and opinions.

And my views and opinions are now known to the entire country, because a kind newspaper reporter was bored one day, and thought it would be a grand idea to surf the web, find an Umeå blogger and interview him/her. Her bad luck was she found me. A foreigner with a bad mouth, and even worse manners.

The interview appeared in a local newspaper in September, complete with my full name, photo, and a link to my blog. And the hate mail started to roll in. Soon my inbox was clogged with threats, complaints and assorted suggestions to get my bum out of here and move to where the sun don’t shine. One small problem with that – I ALREADY am in a place where the sun don’t shine! Duh!

Public humiliation feels good. Now I truly consider myself to be a part of this town. Finally, I feel I belong. People recognize me and smile condescendingly when I enter their shops. Strangers say “hi”. Bus drivers ask me how my day is going. And every so often, a person secretly admits they agree with me. Like the young, half-dead cashier at Systembolaget.

To those brave ones, who voice their dissent, this Bud’s, or rather cider’s for you.
And speaking of cider, I think I was going to review my favorite peach flavor… Too late now. Instead, here’s the list that inspired more than 800 hate emails.

1. Here up North – the weather. I mean what’s up with that??? People were not meant to live in cold darkness for most of the year.

2. The food. What they call Chinese food here, isn’t. What they call Mexican food here, isn’t. And beef dishes in an Indian restaurant? Was it some kind of a joke maybe? Restaurant food here is mediocre at best, and the service non-existent. And why should the waiters stress too much? They get paid either way, and since tipping is not customary, they don’t give a rat’s ass about customers’ needs. (There are a couple of nice places to eat in our town, and I will review them in the future, no worries!)

3. Mostly non-existent customer service (with the noble exception of the Nordea bank in our town, my optometrist at Se & Synas, and the staff at the Telia cellular shop).

4. Primitive ATM machines and the fact that you have to pay for internet banking, and just about anything else that has to do with banking.

5. The monopoly of Systembolaget and Apoteket. Is the government really that afraid of allowing people to buy their wine and headache medicine at the supermarket?

6. Mostly indifferent attitude towards work ethic. Actually, work ethic seems to be a foreign concept here. Between fikas and lunch breaks, and summer vacations and winter breaks, and maternity leave and paternity leave, and being sjukskriven (sick leave), it’s no wonder that very little gets done here. But nobody seems to mind, so who cares that Swedish companies lose business simply because there is no one to answer the phone during summer? I know of at least 2 businesses that lost contracts this August, as frustrated buyers went to Malaysia instead.

7. TV commercials. C’mon now… In the land supposedly known for outstanding design, this is the best they can come up with? Those art directors and copy writers should all be fired and punished by watching their ads 24/7 for the next few years.

8. Acceptance of mediocrity, be it at work, or in daily life. Is that how the twin evils of lagom and Jantelagen rear their ugly heads? Nobody aspires to anything, but to fit in. Nobody dares to solve any problems, because the solution may contradict their philosophy, and god forbid they will have to change the way they’ve always done things. For most people, it seems, that clinging to their ways is more important than succeeding in the world.

9. Being sjukskriven (sick leave) is a career choice. I think this oddity deserves a point of its own.

10. Poor integration of immigrants and racist (and anti-semitic) attitudes of many supposedly liberal and educated people. True, the same can be said about the US, however in the US they at least admit they have a problem. And nobody would even dare say such a thing in this socialist utopia.