Entries from May 2006 ↓

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SAFFA DUDE

Just added a link to Saffa Dude’s blog in London

UberGuru Boulevard (Part II)

Unlike me, you shouldn’t be a slouch or totally ignorant about your selected area of expertise. For instance over at Squidoo or other Squidoo rip off sites, your Lens rankings will soon give you away if you do not shape up and meet a certain standard. If you do not have a Lens at Squidoo – get with the programme dude! Go to www.squidoo.com and turn on your light.

I decided to claim some unclaimed starter lenses (or UFGs as they call them), at Squidoo and see what happened.

After some internal debate and after not reaching a concesus about what I was trying to do, I took the plunge and claimed 2 x UFGs at Sqidoo.com which I reshaped and edited then metamorphasised into RentaSpeaka and Creative Juice. And as all experienced Lensmasters know, you begin at the lowest of the lowest rank - #443,567 or something equally as soul destroying. Only shark poo is lower.

With a lot of nurturing, shouting and cursing, (‘greenhousing’ according to my retained ‘no convert no fee’ guru), I birthed two good Lens(es). They stuck pretty much at the bottom of the pile with the rest of the algae but then the upward surge took hold and they zoomed higher and higher in the ranks. All the time I kept up the daily routine of adding modules, writing, copy & pasting, searching for ideas so that the Lens displayed ZERO days since update (lost on me).Eventually I plateaued. Worrying times. So I went to look at the top 100 lensmasters efforts and picked up some good tips to put to good use. I did. It worked. The upward move started again.

So much so that as until I stopped Sqidooing a few weeks back all my Lens were in the top 500 which as results go is not too shabby at all. Knowing that any improvement to get into the top 100 would require more time than I can afford, I gave all except one back to the UFG pot.

I will continue to experiment with different subjects from time to time but will not be driven to takeover the #1 Lens slot. Since starting my blog I have stopped supporting sites that requires other bloggers to rank your blog. The effort to ensure the content will get votes is too much for me at this time.

It is important to rejuvenate your innovative/creative juices and to this end, you must keep doing the Lensmaster type blog creation exercise until your speciality strikes a chord with zillions of people and you ascend the giddy heights of UberGuru status.

But before that happens, there is so much work to be done. All work you do now should be in preparation for the day you push the send button and an article, email or blog post that you write sends a shiver down blogosphere and industry’s backbone. Only then will you be off the sidewalk and on the road to Guru Paradise.

The Guaranteed Road to Guru Paradise – Write a book

Have I written a book yet? No I have not and can’t think of a valid reason why I ought to.But you can.

There seems to be a book or 3 for every guru out there. And even more surprisingly, the speciality bandwidth within which these gurus specialise isn’t that wide at all. They all seem to eminate from the same tap root and squidge (shoehorn) themselves in and double-decker park themselves into the channel.

Why are there so many ‘experts’? According to an authority in blogosphereland, Squidoo is saturated with them. Hey, if I am one of those many so called ‘experts’ having my efforts diminished by a guru prat, I do know there is then a definite need for all the Lensmasters to carry on doing what they do. Yeah, rock on guys!

To what end you ask?

Well, look at the massive amount of information being published. You cannot say that between all hypothetical 247 ‘experts’ on longdrop portable lavatories you will experience a knowledge deficit and not be educated on the use, benefit, design, faults and the health & hygiene aspects of buying or renting a longdrop portable loo. In fact, you will have a multitude of choices and more data available to you than you ever anticipated.

One of the 247 lavvie experts will hit potluck and deserve the UberGuru accolade he or she receives as a result of their knowledge and ability to articulate their expertise via a blog. Well done him or her. Nobody can deny him or her their time at the top. They are there ‘cos they are good at their chosen field of enterprise. The other 246 will begrudge the new Uberguru their luck but only fleetingly.

…..to be continued

When is a blog not a blog?

At what point does a blog stop being a blog?

Who defines this stuff and who voted for them to define when a blog is not a blog or what constitutes a blog?

I will be trying an experiment. It will be my view of what is not a blog (and will appear on my ‘WASTE OF SPACE’ list) as defined by me. I am in no way an expert but I have a view on what constitutes a blog. It is not a purist view either I think.

What do you think defines a blog and what doesn’t?

Sunday Sermon

Stand or sit still and close your eyes. Listen.

Listen to the sound of life and be very very very aware that it all can be snatched away from you within a heartbeat.

Stop being selfish and stop taking it all for granted.

Did you write that bestseller already?

Still not written that book? Hey buddy, you are wasting time. You are not going to endear yourself to the masses nor get your own fan club created if you do not write that book.

Versace designed logos don’t matter – you do

All the glitz that Mz Versace has in her storeroom will never ever make up for the fact that you are shallow.

If you think a glitzy shop sign, Prada jeans, CC sunglasses and hanging out with the A list is what business is about, baby are you in urgent need of a frigging reality check.

Get real. Get your head out of your arse, smell the coffee and get back to businees school 101

A TA meeting (Tossers Anonymous)

Are you able to recall those times when you lost your way and found yourself berating yourself for being so plainly selfish and for acting like a spoilt brat when people stopped listening? Sound familiar to some of you? Good because if you recognise it and acknowledge that you have acted like a prize tosser, then you will be able to rehabilitate yourself sooner rather than never.

Imagine it: “My name’s Dick & I am a tosser”!

Google me please!

Hey, I know what a blog with no visitors is like. You will not want to go there again will you?! It is a lonely place. Very quiet and after a while in solitude you begin to worry that the voices you hear are real. Also the loss of face is intensely embarrassing. Not to mention the loss of your Google ranking!

Concepts for Sale

Observe, collate then erect your stall with a great big CONCEPTS FOR SALE sign.

See the bosses scamper for safety! Watch the guruwannabes tailgate to your shop.

I’m all looped out man!

Life at the office can be come an endless hamster wheel of conversation loops. So much so, your brain can go on the fritz! Watch out. Errors can be made.

Don’t forget that the bonus and staff appraisal meeting you are in is not about the upcoming headcount redundancy programme! You won’t make friends this way.

Your staff say this and that and that too

Lesson #1 – Learn very quickly that those groups of people you employ have brains capable of rational thought. Good logical thought comes out of those heads. Tap into the staff braintrust. You will learn some stuff that will appall and stimulate you.

Lesson#2 – Learn very quickly that you are staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. So duck, run or ENGAGE them in conversation

Friday Frizzle

Fridays has always meant the begining of the end of the week that was. It marks the start of the weekend but before that happens, Friday nights has to be negotiated and survived.

Tonight is a ‘take it as it comes’ night. No plans but it will involve beer and women.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Before the evening can happen we have to get through the work bit. And what a challenge Friday is hey?! Some of you will have a Friday dressdown policy and will be in your crimplene slax or Levis and t-shirts.

I don’t dressdown. I still wear a suit and then when I get home I can really switch work off when I change into civvies. I believe I work better in a suit. Some arses here wear shorts to work and have ponytails down to their bums. What planet are they from?

I banned baseball caps in my dept on Fridays. Also banned trainers but had to compromise on the footwear. Anyone wearing a baseball cap in the office deserves to be ridiculed. Do I wear a cap in your house? No. I show respect and take it off before I enter. So why can’t the tossers who have not iota of a clue about what life is about, come to the office and expect me to allow a baseball cap to be worn.

I have previously seen staff listening to their iPods or other MP3s. The earphones are a dead giveaway y’know?!! Now what braincell thinks work is a lounge, the bedroom a bus, the tube or anywhere else other than the place where you are expected to give 100% of your attention and effort in exchange for a monthly salary??!

C’mon are these people really morons? If they are, then the moronic supervisor who hired them can ‘pak sy goede en trek’! If you want to listen to your music, do it before 09:00am and after 5:30pm Mon - Fri. DO NOT DO IT AT THE OFFICE.

So this is my Friday frizzle:

Stop thinking your place of work is an extension of your home. It is not. Stop wearing baseball caps or shorts at the office and do not insult your bosses by listening to your MP3 through headphones while trying to work on an Excel spreadsheet. You are not impressing anyone.

When Genius Strikes

When genius strikes it hits bigtime. The whole thing about last night’s show was that the support band were not your ordinary upcoming group just happy to hang onto the master’s coattails. No way, the support group was is led by yet another vituoso - none other than Robert Cray.

Yes folks, the gig was opened by The Robert Cray Band. Now, I don’t care what you say, where in the UK last night would you get two brilliant blues guitarists letting it all hang out? Mmm? Can you beat this? I doubt it. Robert was great. His guitar work is an inspiration. The two C’s compliment each other’s style wonderfully. It was genius to have him open the show.

At the NEC Arena, Eric Clapton showed us that by being innovative, changing the band lineup, re-arranging songs of old, playing new material and delegating a lot of lead guitar work to the other two talented young players onstage, he will remain the best bluesman in the world.

Clapton took us to Nirvana and just did what comes naturally. We are not satisfied, only temporarily satiated. It was the stuff of legend and some. But best of all he just slays me everytime I see him live on stage. The brilliance keeps getting brighter and his slowhand is anything but. The licks n riffs are still as sharp and crisp as ever and he clearly loves and enjoys his work just as much if not more than when he first started out.

Picnic of Slanghoek with Highclere Rock

So, here is an ideal opportunity to showcase Slanghoek. Visualise this:-

Picnic in the castle grounds laid out on the boot of the Land Rover with 3 x bottles of Slanghoek Sauvignon Blanc chilling in a large bucket filled with ice.

The picnic table next to the car holds a selection of Jeannes’ (at Cook Sister) choice numnums.

Perfek innit!

Reprise: You Write it, the right people read it

You’ll know what I mean when I say I had what I thought was an outrageously novel idea. It never is, is it?! It’s always been done by others before. In fact it has been done eons ago by others.

Well the idea I had was about a special blog site. But, by the time I got round to doing something about it, it was already out there.

So if you want to share, expand on or discuss your ideas or propose new concepts here at IScatterlings to bring about improvement for the good in the world, help yourself. Go ahead and do it. Feel free. Just do it before someone else does.

All success needs is two events to occur: you to write it, and the right people to read it.